He lit his shirt on fire at the bar by putting a lit cigarette in the pocket to "save for later."
You slow danced with your carpet steamer last night.
second attempt at shower sex: failed after the water turned orange bc of a fire up the street. this is just not meant to be
For the first time ever I'll be using my lunch break to pass out cold on my desk. We've gotta stop having these late night drinking things on Sundays
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Is it too much to ask that I wake up one morning with out a pic of your dick as my wallpaper??
i accidentally sent all my draft messages..how do i do damage control for the multiple "fuck me now" type msgs sent at ten am?
Why am I getting texts saying are you ready for this butthole? Help
Seriously, I look like I crawled out of a bog. Succeeding at being as undateable as possible.
He made a toga out of my hot pink bed sheets and cracked an egg on his head. Then he proceeded to alphabetize our DVD collection, which was impressive because I'm 99% sure he couldn't have done that sober.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I woke up naked in her room. More precisely, I woke up naked in her room with her and her sister laughing at my penis. I hate my life.
Your shirt... Was in my pants
I can't believe I'm going to buy bitcoin to pay for erection pills
There's a video of you almost falling asleep in a bar stool listening to Jimmy Buffett. Nekkid.
....I just did my boss
I love you. And I will hold your hand as we skip on the road to hell.
He was eating me out on a samsung washing machine and as soon as I came, I heard the "end of cycle" song. That tune will now always remind me of the screaming, multiple orgasms I recieved tonight!
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