Billy Mays is dead, Vince Schlomi is in jail, who's going to sell me useful gadgets at ridiculously low prices now?!
Kelly Kapowski is pregnant and it's not Zach Morris'. I no longer believe in true love.
This guy in church just had a prayer request to help him get through his hangover. He is my new hero.
when i came out to my mom, it was over brunch. i was eating a banana. not exactly my smartest breakfast choice.
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Theres dried jager, barbecue sauce and frie remnants all over my front seat.
She wouldn't put out on the first date. I think my boner put a hole in my mattress.
I though he and I knew each other well enough that we could go to my hotel room to do a bunch of cocaine together without their being any homoerotic implications, but NOOOOOOOOO!
I panicked i brought burritos. Funeral burritos
I just sneezed glitter I JUST SNEEZED G LITTER I j u st SneeZED GLIT TER I DO NOT HAVE TIME FOR THIS AT ALL.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
It's all fun and games until you have to pay the bar tab.
He played Harry Potter Fan Fiction videos to get me in the mood. He might be the one.
He put his SoundCloud on his Tinder bio. I felt personally attacked.
It's 2017. Get with the program. Also remind me never to get margaritas with you ever on Cinco de Mayo.
I woke up with pitch black feet and crushed doritos around my mouth. That's how I determined how my night went
Just got my second shot
Baller. We’re going to be knee deep in strippers and coke in 10 days
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