I woke up this morning with "guy in polar bear j.crew boxers" written on my stomach along with a 5 digit phone number...
It's not true, it's not true! She's too full of cheese to have sexy time!
this crazy girl in up in Dennys is going crazy because Bob Saget just texted her.
The prescription for my birth control just blew away in the wind on my way back from the health center. It's like god wants me to get pregnant
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It hurts to peel the glue off my chest and i keep finding glitter in my hair.
I just wanted to decorate you...
I only put bad things in my body...jack, caffeine, chocolate, pills, and rich's cock. It's like being holistic but exactly opposite
I need you to do me a favor and hide my sword from me tonight. I'm planning on drinking my weight in vodka and I don't trust myself enough to not run through campus screaming "I AM SPARTA!" You'll be saving me a mugshot as well as saving some innocent girls from tears.
She is currently expressing her joy for "bad to the bone" through interpretive dance...
I think it's a scientific achievement that I can make jelly that is 95% vodka so suck it up.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Did I just hear you ask Siri about the meaning of life?
My housemates are judging me because I'm high at 8am and making Spongebob shaped Mac and Cheese
They know nothing, John Stoned.
so I may or may not have had intense sex to mozart's greatest hits on vinyl... I don't know if I should be proud or just really disappointed in my nerdness
I THINK it was the lead singer. Whoever he was, I have his number and his dick was pierced.
It was totally the lead singer.
The taste of regret at 8am, yup that taste is Jack Daniel's
I can still taste your cum in my mouth and my in-laws are coming over. This should go well.
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