And then a tiny penis fell out of my purse
So I'm driving and this guy next to me at the stop light is reving his engine and honking at me. Motherfucker thinks that's because I'm asian and drive a honda I'm automatically going to race him
so she bought me lunch gave me a blowie then paid for the gas since I drove... I think there's a catch but I'm gonna run with it
I am scared. I picture you doing a keg stand on a sinking ship with hula girls cheering you on. Please text me when you get back to shore...or now would be good
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the homeless guy was waiting for me this morning. this is the closest to a boyfriend ive had in years.
The pine trees are waving at me.
Put the pipe down honey.
Hi trees.
All i've had today is coffee and ketchup packets. I need a job like yesterday.
It's that time of night again when I start to think I'm really funny, but no one else is as drunk as I am so they all start avoiding me.
If we could give a gymnastic score to drunken nights, I would be a part of the Fab Five.
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I can still taste the Jäger. I'm gonna shoot myself.
I totally just pulled my thong out of my purse at the grocery store. Oops.
My room looks so cute. Who wouldn't want to hook up with me in here?
I woke up this morning fully clothed with a dart in my pocket
I feel like I lost a fight with an 800 lb gorilla made of tequila
Now after not puking, next step is not to do the accent when immigration says "hello."
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