five shots of tequila, anal and 3 cigarettes. not my best idea on a saturday afternoon.
I had a dream last night that I had sex with Abe Lincoln. I must stop watching the History Channel before I go to bed.
you just kept yelling NO BUENO SENOR at the cashier and throwing coins at him, of course you were going to get kicked out of the grocery store
we are playing family charades. my sister pointed at me. everyone guessed alcoholic.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Everyone makes mistakes, yours just means you will forever be known as the chick that tried to steal a cheese plate from the funeral.
Two portable blenders. We are going to be popular and dangerous.
Be subtle and tell lucas that he should sleep here tonight. And by subtle, i mean show him this text...
I have 3 texts in my phone that say "Thanks King Tyler". I think I've successfully drank myself into a monarchy.
It's a given that you're going to get peed on at a country concert
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
We would be rich. And the whole world would be stoned.
I tried to find the bar, ended up at a car dealership. Then the alarms went off.
I walk in and my mom has a Christian workout program playing. It's like, gospel music with an "electronic" beat to go with it. And then they try to save your soul at the end. I hate being home.
If I wear a tail on Halloween, how am I supposed to grind? Maybe I will just wear devil horns
You were telling everyone in the bar that Jess gave you scurvy.
He was singing on top of spaghetti, and then started crying. He said it was the saddest song ever, "so so sad".
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