i just saw a foot job.
porn is incredible...
I totally just used John Mayer's lyrics to get laid.
I opened up her dishwasher and all I found was a spoon, a juice glass and all her sex toys.
why are there beer bottles in my dishwasher?
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1. my parents still have sex. 2. being a screamer runs in the family. 3. so much so that i can tell what number of orgasms she's on. 4.so looks like i'm stuck outside a while
She looked at me and said there is a 90% chance I am going to puke in the next 10 minutes. 10 minutes later she is in jack in the box throwing up. She has amazing timing.
you asked "if this appropriate to take the the bathroom?" while holding up a bottle of vodka when you went to pee.
I know I'm her Sunday school teacher. I just feel I would be saving others from a lot of headaches by telling her someday she's going to be a stripper
I locked the porch door but I left a spare key on top of the keg on the side of the house
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PSA: Morning booty calls are no longer accepted after the hours of 6am when I've been drinking or before 11am when I have not. Your cooperation is appreciated.
totally just got a week extension on my midterm by telling my prof that I had just found out I was adopted
That is an awkward looking cockshot, not gonna lie
Literally every boy I've dated is now in a somewhat successful band. My vagina has obviously been blessed by the rock gods.
in other news i got caramel vodka poured on me. upside, i smell amazing
All i remember is looking at the bottle vodka that I was drinking and wondering how it was suddenly empty.
That may have had to do with you chugging it
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