i just woke up with two martini umbrellas taped to my nipples... idk how they got there
Vanilla vodka + chocolate soymilk does NOT equal an epic milkshake.
in the 'for' section of the check i put "when we got drunk and broke things". again im sorry.
i love waking up at 5am with an imprint of a toilet seat on my chest
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So the bar isnt gonna put that broken window on my tab. appaerently they want cash
just to let ya know we might have to take a stripper snowboardin sometime
Oh that's what I forgot last night.. To make out with her.
I had very briefly met him a few years ago. My friend was tired of hearing us both complain about being horny. She figured she would fuck two birds with one stone.
Opened my purse to realize I have someone else's birth certificate. What happens to me in college?
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
So, what my linguistics project should really be called is "I happen to sleep/makeout with a lot of bilinguals and am now using them to help me graduate"
He held my hand in public and I nearly came. Like he needs to be inside of me yesterday.
I came back from England with a face tattoo and the only thing anyone can talk about is my beard.
Good news y'all just straight up snorted 2 adderall and I'm not a real being on this plane of existence anymore and I'm ready for finals
I told my mom that I was just gonna go check the mail. It's been 19 hours, and I woke up in a hot tub covered in chocolate, with a text from her sayin "have fun sweetie"
It was get out of line and go pee and get no beef briskit. Or stay in line, pee my pants, but have beef briskit. I really wanted my beef briskit
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