Most awkward thing ever just happened. I was reaching in my purse to get something and a condom fell out into the woman's lap next to me. At least she knows I'm safe.
So the waitress at the Chinese Buffet totally just said "Adios" to a Hispanic couple. There's something you don't see every day.
Just spun two beer bottles and Placed them in my pockets perfect... I feel like the clint eastwood of drunks
My mother just asked me if i ever swallow the goods...should i be concerned?
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At McDonald's last night the guy gave you the wrong kind of McFlurry, so you screamed at him, "YOU MCFUCKED UP."
But like now everytime I pee I just think... wow I had sex with him on this toilet.
He kept telling me how extraordinarily clean my ears were.
Dude your neighbors are having a garage sale. They were judging me as I walk of shamed back to my car.
I keep telling myself last night was not real, not real, not real. Then I remember I can't move. This hangover is too fucking real.
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I need to pay that drinking in public ticket, but I also really want to get a spray tan next week... so priorities.
Apparently I send drunk snapchats a lot and they always have random dudes in them. Like one night it was just me and some guy I don't know sitting on my couch.
So you told me to remind you that you vomited 3 times in the street because you would forget so here is your reminder
Got a snapchat from Megan last night showing you sobbing about a burrito on the floor with Dan in the background trying not to laugh his ass off
THEY DIDN'T THROW MY PORN AWAY!!!!
I remember turning to Jon after doing a line of coke and saying "I was a Girl Scout"
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