My little brother has some high school girls in my pool, it's like a jailbait buffet in my backyard
the real housewives of new jersey finale is tonight. it makes me wish we had pot.
I'll offer my penis as collateral. You can hold title to it till I pay you back.
Is "you left your socks here, please come get them" a good way of saying "come fuck me?"
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Was just walking through the park by the river. Saw some random in a tree, we climbed up, blazed with him and bought a bag. In the tree. Real shit.
I always ask when they're due. It's the nicest way for me to let her know the rest of the world can tell she's putting on weight too
Seriously? You DON'T remember putting all those Swedish fish in the waffle iron b/c you wanted "One big Swedish fish?" That waffle iron was a wedding gift.
Caleb has a beard comb now. Also I have a pube comb now too. May or may not be related incidents
My ideal friend would be my dog as a drug dealer
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I'm eating tortillas right now. Like not cooked tortillas. Someone is playing the guitar. Man with bandana.
So is it safe to say that my only objective from last night is to finish this entire jar of peanut butter?
While randomly hooking up with my neighbor last night he says "it's okay we're neighbors".
the most terrified I've ever been was seeing Danny Devito squirming on the ground in this underwear, covered in hand sanitizer, completely hairless
Guess who just set half their backyard on fire.
Please tell me youre joking.
Nope. on the brightside though, im really gonna quit smoking this time.
It's to the point where if a guy can so much as find my clit, I'll consider him amazing in bed
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