Woke up this morning with one boob drawn on to look like the globe. Questionable?
I bet i've been more pregnant than you.
I woke up and peed for 26 seconds this morning. 26 seconds!
Don't feel too badly. Until twenty minutes ago my paper was a heading and a pizza order.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
its hard to take this fight seriously when one dude is an oompa loompa, and the other is a "g spot"
She used to be a real nice person. Now she's just a dick sucking machine
He was fucking her while he was wiping my tears.
No teenage boy ever gets scared away from sex unless she is slipping a wedding ring on your finger or is killing your cat. I promise.
Just drug him and when he wakes up say "You just woke up from a coma, we've been married for 5 years." It'll be like The Vow but fucked up.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I think my dove chocolate wrapper just told me to masturbate.
You're not talking any sense into me. You're cheering me on to disaster.
... is that not half the reason I'm your best friend in the first place?
I was on tinder the whole time I was waiting for my pregnancy test results at the doctors.
Would you paint my ceiling for oral sex?
woke up this morning and she was gone. but she left a box of donuts on the counter with a note saying "for all the 'o's you gave me last night"
long story short... we may or may not have lost your car.
Randomize