She made me go with her to get a pregnancy test since she's missed a few birth control pills. She made me park in the "expectant mothers" spot at CVS and preceded to ask if it would be in the pest control section.
He doesn't know I'm infertile yet, that's when the sex gets good
I just remembered I gave $20 to a bum last nite. Philanthropy events always make me do stupid shit.
So I've been to the library twice so far. Both times were for the atm, and once I was stoned. Junior year is going great.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I knew shit got real when the pinapple was gone and people were just passing around the core and gnawing on it.
You were walking around with a baby carrier pretending your vodka was a baby. You tried to get pictures on santas lap
Using that mug my little cousin painted for me as an ashtray for my weed...at least next time he asks me if I'm using it I can say yes
Post a pic on facebook and see if those same 46 girls find shitting in the bed handsome and adorable
No joke, I just found $85 on the ground. Must be because I bought you all that liquor. So much good karma.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
When you were bringing him upstairs I told him to bring you on down to pound town. you're welcome.
Thanks for launching me off you reverse cowgirl. I think I chipped a tooth.
...I just added shower water to my vodka on ice\n#sendhelp
he literally walked in took a shit and left ringing the 'great service' bell on the way out.
Dude 4th of July week was our like 5th anniversary of you sending me dick pics ❤️
We should write a country song: “Blacked Out on a Sunday”
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