When you only buy popcorn and condoms at the grocery store they know whats up.
Watching this movie and saying "drink every time you see an animal" was a bad idea...circle of life...holy crap
You told him you were auditioning guys for your new show: "So You Think You Can Fuck."
Best pick-up line ever!
the fact that i fell through a skylight is the least humiliating part of the night
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i was about to rearrange the room but realized that this is the only efficient setup where we can have sex while the other one's asleep without them accidentally seeing.
Apparently I was holding on to a pizza crust for hours last night.
I keep hearing lesbian porn and I'm the only one home. I don't think this is healthy
Omg he's telling my parents stories about him doing jaagerbombs ... Lord help me
And in my birthday dress, with my friends, i peed on myself in line for the club. Still went in and partied. I remember pieces
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Also. This Ativan makes me feel fearless. I think we need an exciting new hobby for when we take it. How do you feel about ghost hunting?
If you don't get head tonight I will castrate you
Seriously. Castrate.
By god, his vagina is better looking than mine.
I mean we don't talk anymore but I still see him around wearing that sweater he stole from me after we had sex
And for today's main disappontment. I thought I saw a midget with fireworks get on the buss, alas it's a child with cleaning supplies
If the guys trying to booty call text me could see me right now in some raggedy pajamas with toothpaste down the front of my shirt eating pepperoni out of the package they might change their minds
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