hey girl hope you're alright, you hit that tree really hard. have a good night.
I think I just tested my sobriety limits for unicycling.
I'll make a Jello mold of your face so everyone can get drunk off your face
So. She dumped me today.
Well, maybe you shouldn't have referred to going down on her as "Dumpster-Diving".
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Apparently you missed the drunkest me ever documented. I slept on the hardwood floor and left my pants on the porch to give u a frame of reference.
You were drinking whiskey from a beer bottle i dont know what you really expected...
I really don't know where my pants are, but that's not the problem. When are you going to unlock the door?
I had the bathroom of girls sing you happy birthday while you puked. I couldn't stop laughing. They were all so supportive
I'll get tired halfway through and end up passed out at a taco shack honestly
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Evidently I placed three booty calls at the same time...it was an ugly scene. I'm never getting that high again.
I was 40 minutes late to work today because I was getting fucked. Walked in to discover that it's apparently performance review day. Employee of the year.
i like that he makes me laugh. those are like my two favorite things. laughing and fucking.
This is a life or shit situation. Grab me toilet paper asap. This bathroom is fucking out. This is not a test. This an actual emergency and I am not joking.
my alarm on my phone broke at the bar sooo i had to sleep with someone so i'd wake up on time for work.
This is going to be so stupid, but do you feel the calluses on my hands when I give you a handy?
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