I am a bulletproof tiger!
Haha. Nice, be careful tonight.
I'm gonna have to get my windshield replaced. Is the keg beat?
I accidentally had sex with my boyfriend's twin last night...and he didn't stop me.
How was it?
Fantastic, but that's not the point.
don't tell her this, but while we were doing it doggy style I picked up my phone and changed my status to "who let the dogs out"
his dick got so hard in his pants and it broke his zipper
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obviously you don't know the college version of myself. if there's something i'm ALWAYS willing to put up for it's alcohol.
He offered me a ride home but i walked. He lives by an elementary school so a 10 yr old safety officer helped me across the street during my walk of shame
Threesome in a minivan. New low
I left a care package of Jack Daniel's, pancake mix and porn in your apartment. Merry fucking Christmas.
I should put together a new mom basket for her. It would have diapers, vodka, ambien, and tissues for when she cries about her wasted youth.
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You know it was a good night when you're lying on the couch in your pjs at 4pm having a pitcher of ice water for breakfast.
So when this rash is gone wanna hang out?
I need to be more functional. That doesn't mean I'm going to drink less, I just need to wake up and shit
he's a ginger AND was born with 2 holes in his penis. sleeping with a rare species & I LOVE THE THRILL
I'm just now realizing I've slept with guys from three different decades over the past year. That's gotta be some sort of record.
he would NOT stop making out with my stomach! creeeeeepy
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