Blind date just said "Can't wait till I'm married so i can let myself go". There will be no second date.
Just puked on the beach. Hungover. In front of my parents. I love summer.
You can't just send the picture of my vagina back to me, 2 months after we broke up, and make small talk out of it.
Just faked two orgasms bc I had too much wine and remembered mid sex that I bought doritos yesterday.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
You always have that cute deer in the headlights look. Thats what made showing you my penis for the first time so disconcerting.
STOP TELLING PEOPLE I PEED ON YOU
You're like the Mr. T of my A-team, only less gold jewelry and more pitying of fools.
That's the nicest thing anyone has said to me all day.
Gas station champagne. And before you say anything I'll have you know it's imported. From California. So get fucked.
my mom just told me I should hit it and quit apparently she does not like this new girl
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
NOBODY TALKS SHIT ABOUT PANDA EXPRESS
I'm so bored I talked to the Bible guys for 30 minutes.
I offered them beer last time they came here bahaha
Wanna meet at the diner for breakfast? all I've eaten in the past 24 hours is glitter and penis. starvingg.
Not sure, she said after cussing out the dentist they called security. Make that the first person I know 86'ed by a dentist.
Come as you are, bitch. Glitter and vodka provided.
My favourite part was when you contorted upside down in the tub and said "I don't want to be upside down"
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