you shoved the noah's ark of animal crakers in your mouth saturday.
I woke up in my own vomit, a chunk of cactus in my thigh, shirtless, with jons mom poking at me with a glass of dr pepper and a talk about god....damn alcohol
God I love babysitting. They pay me $10 an hour to watch movies and sext
This guy at the party just introduced himself to me as "the guy who sat behind you on a plane last year"
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
at one point he couldn't find his underwear so he put on my catsuit to go to the bathroom
I just held a marble with my kegel muscles for 5 min. You may call me COCKCLAMP 9000!!!!
6 beers, 3 orange crushes, & half a fire ball later & you get my alter ego.
I pretty much told him I was too sober for this an just walked away and all I heard was "IT'S BECAUSE IM A BAD KISSER ISN'T IT" OVER AND OVER AGAIN
man sorry about that. It's like god was willing me to be an asshole. I haven't filled my quota for the day
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Pretty sure my parents just hear me get off from the living room but I feel like they should be proud that I did it without a man honestly.
Bro you were on fire last night...like a less Irish version of Liam Neeson
He's tiny, but ripped. Like a stacked hobbit. He's going to pull our sexy, crime-fighting rickshaw.
i mean ive seen your left buttcheek how much more bro can this get
She drank my rum. I had sex in her bed and didn't wash the sheets. We're even.
My GF, FWB and Side piece are all booty calling me. I’m a victim of my sexual success
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