the "happy anniversary" cake for my mom and dad is about to turn into the "yeah, that's a hickey, welcome back from italy" cake.
Don't know whats worst me sharding on her a bit or her believing me when i told her she did it...
Jizz is so healthy, they should sell it at Jamba Juice. Call it "Jamba's Juice". Genius.
My cousin's wedding had personal beer funnels for each table and a drinking game against the bride and groom. im sorry for ever calling you white trash
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But then he started to talk about his wedding he wants and I quote " and yes parts will be choreographed"
Had sex and ran 2.8 miles all before 7:30am. This is going to be a very productive Monday.
Just so you know, if I get bored tomorrow I WILL pretend to get drunk in the bathroom and crash the whole thing
Dude. I've never been with a guy who just wanted to go down on me all the time including while I'm shooting zombies on call of duty. My life is complete.
Nah, he's definitely here somewhere. Whether he survived the night or not is your problem, but I'm pretty sure he's around.
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For the first time in my 26 years of life, I'm washing jizz out of my ponytail.... High five yourself later.
I call him Seabiscuit because he's my trusty steed
And as drunk as I was I was able to show my mom how to make text italicized in Microsoft word
Remember that St. Patrick's Day when I fucked your married coworker in his truck and the whole bar was chanting for you "Don't fuck Mike"?! #TheLuckOfTheIrish 🍀
I literally heard an 'oh my god' when the shirtless Tongan appeared.
Thanks for leaving me with drunk gabby
Hahahaha why what's happening?
She's sending me morse code through the wall....typical
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