i've got a dick and you've got a pussy....what is the problem??
I just saw the nastiest chick.
Where?
woke up next to her... fuck you jack daniels, fuck you
my mom just wingman'd for me at a bar. i really don't know what else to say.
You should get a handy in the street again, just to prove you've still got it.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
It'll be like a meth lab. But with jello.
There was booze on his face and I wanted it. I'm not sorry.
I've found my spirit animal. I'm a Snapple bottle. If you take my top off I'll tell you a fact about science.
Glad I can drunkenly remember to not get tomatoes on my Mexican pizza but can't tell a guy to keep his hands off my ass
Adulthood is weird i just cleared a check larger than my gross income from 2011 but i also just did coke during my lunch break
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
How did you tell her we met?
I told her that we met at the sex shop down the street, I thought it would be the most reasonable explanation.
Ok, maybe playing "whose family is most dysfunctional" wasn't the best drunk idea we've had. Todd''s been crying in the bathroom for an hour. We can't get him out...
I'm sharing a breakfast burrito w my uber driver
We had everything under control until this one jackass fucked up. Thanks, Peter.
My new roommate looks like a troll. Or a serial killer. So if I disappear, show this text to the cops.
You went on the date? His pickup line was I swear I'm not a serial killer and you went on the date???
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