the pizza man had no reaction when jackie and me opened the door naked, i guess he's used to that shit
My mother just asked me if i ever swallow the goods...should i be concerned?
You broke a window with your face. I don't think the landlord will be as impressed as we were.
Just saw a half naked, drunk, 6th grade math teacher throwing small children around to the Titanic soundtrack.
What kind of wedding is this and why wasn't I invited
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I just hotboxed my laundry basket.
We have zombies coming, and all you can think about is cock.
Oh and I found some acid for the drive back to school, productive day
I want to celebrate with you...
There's nothing I'd like more than a celebratory "The guy I'm doing just found out he's not a baby daddy" dinner.
He referred to his penis as "a gentle giant" and said I had offended it
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He puked over my shoulder into the toilet. The guy in the next stall sounded totally appalled.
She busted her face in a tragic twerking accident. Marking the 2nd time I have peed my pants laughing.
Apparently nothing brings out sympathy in a barista like asking if they have a hangover special
You spent the entire night trying to get me to make out with you
yeah I remember. your boyfriend shouldnt have cheered me on though.
i just looked at those "hey" messages and i was so confused and then i remembered we were practicing texting with our tongues.
This is why I only drink in places with a C or D health rating
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