He told me he doesn't dance and he hates drunken excitement. Why I ever thought it would work is beyond me.
You were in subway at 3am showing everyone your tan lines
Also I think he would slowly, painfully, die. You really can't live without a penis. You'd explode.
I just woke up tangled in fishing line while wearing someone else's bathing suit with fishes drawn all over me. What kind of sex did we have?
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You know my ex in high school who cheated on me and dumped me right before prom? A decade later, I just saw her again...working at an Arby's. it was a good day...
He was in the middle of making out with two girls at once, but then the guy next to me said "I feel like I'm watching Animal Planet" he stopped to give him a high five
i wasnt laughing because you were puking, i was laughing because three yards away there was a couple seriously getting it on
continuing my moment killer tradition in the best possible way
He said I act like a cross between a kindergartener and a high 70 year old man. Which is inacurate because it fails to account for the disco obsession.
You know I think I am ok with him not moving in yet. He came over, fixed my closet, ate me out, and left. I'm now in sweats drinking coke and rum and watching new girl. This works for me.
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ok now I feel liek a very drunk human instead of a chaos being thanks water
Please come collect your inebriated significant other. He just sleep-farted and scared my cats. Please hurry.
quick, give me some iron man trivia, i'm going to make this girl regret quoting tony stark in her tinder bio
HahahahahaHAHAHAHAHAHAHA MY LIFE IS A CAUTIONARY TALE
How dare you not respond to me after opening up a picture of my bare breasts
I had a threesome last night with my fiance' and our soon to be best man. Everyone is surprisingly chill about it this morning. Is this any indication of what the wedding night will be like?
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