I enjoyed our heart to heart in the trunk on the way to the stripclub
Also, did that cop draw hearts on everyone's hands last night?
I should show up to the gym drunk more often. I felt like i really motivated all the fat people.
I'm drinking beergaritas with a dog who is high and a baby
your completely serious
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I text him "Dude. Tryna get fucked here. I only have half the parts. I need your help" I'm sure my mom would be super proud of the woman I have become.
I'm all for hockey players but dude, he asked me to lick his chipped tooth mid-hook up.
i want to live in a society where a 20 year old can wear pigtails and not get them called handlebars, because i look fucking adorable in them.
We were high as balls fucking in the back seat when we saw the blue lights. He's like, "I got this" and walked over butt ass naked and goes, "Sorry dude, we're just banging" and the cop apologized for disturbing us and drove off.
So glad the long weekend is over so I can bring this bender to a merciful end.
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i chased my gummy vitamins with cold bacon, never say I don't take care of myself
look, my penis is an amusement park, and it's closed for maintenance. why can't you just accept that?
I don't want to inconvenience you with my dick\n\n
I swear to God...this day is one great big who's who in the land of fucked uppedness.
we went to go have morning sex and I said “I was gonna put my mouth on it but you need to shower”#ruinedthemoment
Do not let Mike show you his naughty Santa Claus outfit. It's a super long beard and crotchless pants.
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