That's the secret to virgins: blizzards.
i don't remember it, but i know we had sex because my stuffed animals were facing the wall
You talked to that cop for like 15 minutes and when you got back, you told us you were "networking".
Dude. I have been looking at your movie history on netflix and it is like looking at the rings of a tree. Only instead of telling me how old you are, it tells me when you were stoned.
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Woke up to pictures of me cooking wings with a blow torch.
All I remember is you introducing yourself to the entire basketball team using the line "I'll show you a slam dunk."
will barter weed for kareoke machine...
I gave up. I'm crying over my notes. Oh, ya know, just another drunk finals week
My sister was borrowing my phone when the sext came through. She just said "wow. He's got a nice dick!" Then went on like nothing happened. Outed by a dick pic and its no big deal. Best sister ever.
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Just thinking about this summer makes me feel a slight tingle of an orgasm mixed with a twinge of regret as the cold ghostly feeling of multiple hangovers creep into my body.
Doesn't matter if you work at a funeral home. If the boss says get a keg, you get a keg.
Thanks for reminding me of all the hookups my brain has been trying to suppress...
That's what friends are foooooooor!
There's a dryer on fire at the laundromat, and everyone's just standing around taking pictures. Except me. I'm texting.
I need a sign that says “please don’t make plans with me if I’ve had two or more drinks. I will regret them. I will have bitter feelings towards you. Then I will cancel and feel guilty.”
We finally gave up searching because everything had started to look like flip flops
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