I sent out a mass text that said "margaritas for Jesus?" and nobody responded, worst Easter ever.
Just saw a white bronco on my way home from work and the license plate said "NOT OJ"
Only I could do what I did last night and feel perfectly ok working around children the next day
They found a chair, duct taped me to it, then gave me a bottle of vodka to 'make me feel at home'
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Somehow I magically turned down a threesome last night. On my birthday. You're a horrible wingman.
Roommate just came in drunk and tweaked out because my tv has a DVD player built in. Waaaaaayyyy too sober for that conversation.
did i really sing to your nipples last night?
yes. and it was oddly very seductive
You may now shotgun with the bride
Whenever I see women with terribly drawn on brows, I just wanna tackle them and redo them and run away. I'll be Brow-lady. The beauty superhero
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
You throw up behind 1 mannequin and it's world war 3 in forever 21
First he fixed my gutter. Then he flogged me and fucked me. Then he bought me a new vacuum cleaner. I don't understand Daddy Dom stuff but I ain't mad at it.
It feels like heartburn in my lungs. I'll buy 2 pounds.
Someone needs to get Mark off the roof. I told you that he doesn’t shut up about ancient Egypt if you give him henny.
My apartment stinks of burning failure
Right. Cuz nothing screams "You made it!" quite like selling your used underwear to strangers you met on the internet.
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