If you were a Panda and I were a Koala and we had a baby, it'd be a falafel. Just think about that.
oh hey just found a glowstick in my tits. fuck yes new years eve
Lucky for you, I found your phone.....Not so lucky for you, it was in the bottom of your vomit-filled trashcan.
i mean, we fucked on the futon in the garage where his band practices. pretty sure im now obligated to like his band on facebook.
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just had to re-breakup with her. it was like shooting a dead horse that was crying and talking.
He came up to me muttering about the pills on the bathroom floor... I found him an hour and a half later trying to take naked photos of himself with an alarm clock...
She told me to wait on the sofa while she freshened up. She's been in the bathroom for an hour. I have a bad feeling about this.
Because you know it would be fucking amazing to get trashed and shatter the dreams of 12 year old girls. I might get a shirt.
stopped you just in time from sledding down the roof.
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You know what's soul crushing? Walking to subway and find out you were too drunk to put on shoes and being denied service.
Um. I literally have no words.
I love that your last three texts to me were "Drunk." "Getting laid." "In the hospital."
i think i need to institute a "if your dick has been in my mouth this year i get a xmas present" policy
I'll have to text you later. Trying to have civilized conversations with the boyfriends parents when I'm 100% aware I just blew their son in the bathroom 5 mins ago. Stay tuned.
So that prostitue I banged at Steve's bachelor party just texted and invited me to a BBQ at her parents. Never again doubt the power of the cock piercing.
I don't wanna SLEEP with him, I want to start bar fights with him. There's a difference.
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