During sex he started singing that song in Forgetting Sarah Marshall--"Inside of You"--by Russell Brand
Spent $1500 on bottle service and have a lump on my head from hitting the nightstand while puking. Excess? Nooo Success.
I told a kindergarten student that candy canes are bones of reject elves.
I can make a handprint turkey for extra credit in history. I feel like the word college should be in quotes on the school letterhead.
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Do you know how hard it is to masturbate with a runny nose?
When you get to his house tomorrow, follow your instincts. Find the cat first.
so far, I've observed him try to hit on 3 girls, 1 guy and a bar stool. Humanity is amazing from a sober point of view.
He told me that his favorite part about me is hearing my voice while we fuck. I think that was the nicest thing he has EVER said to me.
I found a half composed text to you this morning and all it said was HELP M. Is that how I ended up at the bottom of the stairwell in only a tee-shirt and one heel?
considering I never received the text I would go with 'yes'.
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Putting Chia seeds in beer makes it ok for my diet, right?
i want george washington to fuck me as hard as he can holy shit
all I remember the next morning was crawling through the doggy door and finding my underwear in my purse
How did you get so drunk?
Alcohol.
cant one of your roommates drive you?
You came in my eye once. You owe me.
ill be there in 20
He’s like Batman if Batman went down on me and gave me multiple toe curling orgasms. He left without saying a word before I pulled the pillow off my face
Find out if he’s shared his techniques with a friend and set me up with him. You know I’ve always had a thing for Robin!!!!
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