Tonight was fucked up. First my mom called me and told me I had to go to the bar to pick up my dad 'cause he was drunk. Then when I got there my dad was doing a body shot from this lady who happened to be my 1st grade teacher. By far the most awkward car ride home. Idk if I should tell my mom or not.
i was high and broke so i stole a roast chicken and a 40 inch sheet cake from wegmans and ate in a bathroom stall.
Just because it's been in my vagina doesn't mean it's important to me
We gotta make a movie eventually. All good, long-lasting relationships include a homemade porno
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the cop didnt laugh with me when he patted me down and pulled out my flask.
The amount of guys who just came into the room to give me a high five after hooking up with him was about 5 too many.
So I come home yesterday and my brother is like "watch this" and it turns out he's been retraining my dog to come running when u say "anal"
Is there a reason there's a dick print on my seventh-story window?
C'mon. I'm still an alcoholic at heart, regardless of its broken or not
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I smoked that joint really fast and now I'm so high I'm crawling around on all 4 giving my dogs piggie back rides pretending its the macy day parade for dogs and I'm their giant human float.
How could she say that about my foreskin when she hasn't even seen all the cool stuff I can do with it?
Besides you're a Tennessee fan and it'd be against my religion to have your penis inside me today.
I know how to kill a man with nutmeg and a sword. You in?
Or nah
He put a doughnut around his dick and I ate it. What can I say. It was a good fucking night.
Is she blowing you? I'm in the closet.
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