I walked into my house this morning to find an 18 pack on the counter. I think that's gods way of ringing the bell for round two.
Nope. Can't afford girlfriends. Still looking for the 25 year old bisexual tripled who owns a brewery or a casino.. the search continues....
Chef at hibachi place learned it was my bday and sprayed 20 second count worth of saki in my mouth. Not sure it was the right image to share with my kids, but thought you'd be proud.
Ugh he's texting me.
Tell him you're no longer interested in what he has to offer; his shitty personality outweighs his sexual prowess.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
My cab driver just suggested I brush my teeth because he can smell "the party" on me.
My mom got me high and then dropped me off at a church.
I've abandoned trying to find a logical explanation of your life.
There is a mobile STD testing unit set up at my place of employment. In the lunchroom. I may need to reevaluate my career choices. And my lunch plans.
Before we rave about the healing powers of your penis, remember it nearly killed me as well.
Just so you know, if I get bored tomorrow I WILL pretend to get drunk in the bathroom and crash the whole thing
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
But I do cardio so I don't get winded during sex really it's not like I'm trying to lose weight
Tempting guys with beer and cheese. How Midwestern are we?
I opened my bookbag to put my laptop in and I found two granola bars and a pregnancy test. I am clearly prepared for life
Last night I watered my lawn and smoked a joint then cooked a steak. I'm really killing this adulthood thing.
No one with a hairstyle like that is allowed to insult anyone for anything
Just found out a shooting happened in our parking lot while it was closed this morning. So thaaaaaaaaats fun.
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