The sex toys I ordered are being shipped to my billing address instead of shipping address. Take a guess where they're on their way to right now - my parents' house. And the package has to be signed for so there's no way around it. Fuck.
You know the @ sign on twitter? i wish there was one of those in real life so that the smokin' hot guy at the bar would know the slutty unbuttoning of my shirt was directed @ him, not @ his friend who looks like Mickey Rourke post-face melting
I just saw a Kleenex commercial and thought about last night. I'm sorry about your hair.
So excited for tonight I might actually pee my pants BEFORE I get blackout
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Tonights theme there is the 7 deadly sins. Greed, envy, sloth, gluttony, sluttiness, fellatio and vodka.
THERE IS THE SEXIEST BEARDED MAN HERE. I CAME EVERYWHERE.
Hey, next time you have sex, flick his balls, and tell him "thats for getting spit in jennifer's eye and laughing about it."
All i remember was you crying naked on the bathroom floor because you were cold. I got you a blanket and you kept kicking it off and crying because you were still cold.
He showed up in a dinosaur costume bearing a tray of cupcakes. He even let me hold his tail. I'm marrying this guy.
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Moments after comforting her about her boyfriend issues I found myself in the other room showing him my tits.
Lest we forget our veterans. Also that two years ago I lost my virginity on this day in a hot tub. Go me for being the worst person on earth.
Is it rude to ask for an autograph after giving him a blowjob in their hotel's hot tub?
Ok despite the fact that both you and I love dick we could have a great marriage
I just bought a butt plug on Amazon prime day and you're the only person I felt would appreciate that decision
i love you and all, but can that be the last orgy with your wife?
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