so they are in my phone as twin 1 and twin 2. but i forget which is which. did i put them in order of who I hooked up with first, or who is sexier? cause i'm not trying to text the one with the girlfriend
1st off, theyre identical. 2ndly, have i ever told you that youre a huge slut? hope that helps
I proposed and she said yes man.
You realize the irony of surrendering on independence day, right?
so he tried to quietly tell me my Tampon String was hanging out in front of his family but i didn't hear him so he yelled it
yeah bitch needs to recognize there's only one person with this face
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He told me to pick a safe word. I said 'cactus' and he said I wasn't taking this seriously and that I wasn't cut out for s&m.
I've never seen the starbucks guy more terrified than when you dove out the car window after your credit card
you were sitting on your bed looking out the window, rocking back and forth naked, saying how peaceful it looked outside
So i learned you can't hair-of-a-dog jaeger hangovers.
I just had my first non-cocaine-induced nosebleed for the first time in 2 years. This calls for a celebration.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I wanna send them a card but I don't think hallmark makes a "sorry your fiance and another girl blew me at the same time in a frat house but congrats!" card
You think you're smart. You're pretending to be asleep to save yourself from my hormonal pms mood swings. Unfortunately that only works against bears.
Today would have been my 8th wedding anniversary and I woke up with a hot European guy in my bed. Divorce has it's perks.
You probably shouldn't do that...but if you do take pictures
I have a bottle of rum in my pocket...what does that say about me...
You come prepared
Like honey no, I’m getting groceries while pretending that having sexy talk with you is turning me on
Randomize