Sooo, drunk me had the sense of mind to write down everything that happened last night.....I bet you thought you'd get away with what you did to my parrot.
he thought he was parachuting out of a plane... talk about a bad trip.
Just walked by a yard full of girls wearing bikinis. I did my best to stare.
She shouted out halfway through "that costume does nothing to hide your cock". Last time we let her drink at the theatre.
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Succesfully slept on the roof at work for 3.5 hours without getting caught. I need a promotion
After you verbally abused the McDonalds employee for not making your fries fast enough, the fact that you woke up on a random lawn does not surprise me.
This was my thought process as I drunkenly ran home: Whoa! I'm going so FAST! Why don't I run EVERYWHERE! ALL THE TIME! Then I peed in a bush and passed out on the ground.
So basically you were a dog.
I think he's like 40 and maybe a little sociopathetic and i have never been so turned on
Another text to add to the intervention pile, i see
I'm drinking with a guy who apparently blew my dog sitter.
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Can I borrow your google glasses to make a sex tape?
he was wearing a widestriped red gingham suit jacket with complete sincerity im not surprised she beat the shit out of him
I woke up in the middle of the night with my dick out and my electric blanket on high. It's like she wanted a hot dog.
My husband found the cock ring I bought my FWB. I told him it was napkin holder and he believed me. And that’s why I need a side dick
when I said eat the rich I didn't mean like that but here we are sucking that capitalist dick
He ate me out in the warehouse on a pallet of sunlight soap. I fucking love night shift!
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