woke up to an unread text message i sent to myself: "brreakfdast..pork and ice cream."
Why are my keys in the refrigerator?
You said "This is gonna really confuse me tomorrow." Apparently drunk you plays pranks on hungover you.
This explains so much.
Just wondering did you put mouse traps and brownies on my porch?
I love that my brother has just convinced my dad that smoking a blunt it an "unspoken family tradition"
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Our suitemates are shrooming again. I left a less colorful dress hanging on the door, change before you come in because purple is making Maeve cry.
I didn't cheat on him. He just hasn't been informed of the open part of our relationship.
Got laid in my rudolph onesie for the second year in a row. New tradition? Absolutely.
If his smile makes you freak out and drop things imagine what his penis could do
He found a way to charmingly ask me for a threesome and when I said no he made it sound like he was even happier. He's a fucking wizard
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
She was doing hand motions and used straws from drinks like those airport light batons to have me back my "747 jumbo dick" towards you.
A penis isn't a time share. I want to own not rent.
Started crying to "that's the way it is" by celine. What the fuck uterus?!
guess who got crunk and thought it would be a good idea to give herself a pixie cut?
THOUGHT
Drunk sex on a hardwood floor is never ever a good idea. Lesson learned.
Just went to Meijer. Purchased furnace filters, fishing line, red lipstick and pregnancy test. And if my purchase alone wasn't classy enough, I took the pregnancy test in the Meijer bathroom because Im on my way to the bar and wanted to know if that was a good idea or not. Cheers to no babies!
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