Yea I just took my 1st pregnancy test. Turns out I am just fat. Also I haven't been with anyone in 3 months, which is clearly making me crazy.
I was just at the bank and there was a fat lady wearing a cape. today is gonna be awesome.
I need a horse. I don't think you can get a DUI on a living creature.
and then we had to stop you from trying to pour shots through your nose with the neti pot.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
At least the cops kept you away from sleeping with her. Protect and Serve.
It was awesome explaining why I had a tiger with boxers in my bed, a little bit drunk, to a girl in a pre-sex moment
Ok here's the state of the situation: We're alone in a strange city with strange people with nothing but alcohol and sprite, I think we're gonna make it.
You know I'm having a rough day when I'm curled up in the corner eating Spaghettios.
I just got home and someone ate all my chicken nuggets. Bitches be asking for a death sentence?
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
He watches the nature channel every time I am here. It's like a manipulation technique because baby zebras will get me every time.
Just wanted to share my unfortunate vagina news in the hopes that it would make your vagina feel better about itself.
You went to pound town last night and chow town this morning. Boy you need a passport.
It's not a hangover, it's "slept on a couch with another person and said person moves a lot and is loud"
Maverick's sitting in jail wearing a turkey costume and I am soooo jealous.
I just ran into my psychology professor at Planned Parenthood she asked why I was there and I asked why she was there and it turns out we both had a scare.#bonding because of abortion.
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