you think thats bad? Today I had to pop a zit on my sack.
Just made nachos out of string cheese and sunchips and laying in my bed watching babay einstion..get on my level
I'm legit concerned I might pass out this weekend from having too much sex.
I was trying to be really smart and save 10 dollars for each cab there and back. ...so I ripped a $20 dollar bill in half.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
You were such a shitshow...I was just standing in the kitchen eating my toaster strudel and you came in, whispered "you didn't see anything" and led him to the couch
You gave me your shirt to use as a napkin every time I spilled beer on myself. Before we went to the bar.
Just as I was applauding myself for the best wing man award, I realized we are going to have to burn our futon.
My worst fear almost came to light...I was choking and the cats stared at me like they had no problem eating my face if I died
I just sat in the bathtub with the shower running so I could eat the whole box of mega stuffed Oreos. What am I doing with my life
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Just broke my no shot rule again.. Made out with a stranger. That's 0 for 3 this month for the record
It was one of those mornings when I wake up and feel like I have to say sorry to the whole world
"I played a game called "how drunk can you get in a minute" last night. How was your Thursday?"
Dude, I totally just made my launch phrase on my new phone "Wingardium Leviosa" so that when people try it and it doesn't work I can say, "It's leveeOHsa, not leveeoh-SA."
If only he'd realize the fondness I have for his genitals.
My boob job is like a master key that gets me in any door, any party and anyone’s pants! They’re magical!
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