Not a fireman, but good enough for last night.
um i just realized that some of the people at my family reunion look inbred. thats not a good sign.
hahaha beady eyes set close together? defs inbred.
my dads cousin just put a cig in his dogs mouth and says, "look its a commercial for newport!" holy hell i hope im adopted.
Her little brother walked in right as I was finishing and was like "uhhh hey there's a lunar eclipse outside"
We just for robbed for the second time. I believe the only thing I have left to my name is my $75 dildo
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Last night was just one giant freudian slip.
You made out with EVERYBODY.
Can I just bleach my life?
there is vodka in my soul right now. The vapor is coming out my nose.
it's almost 8pm and i'm still hungover. at what point do i alert someone?
My aunt left me alone with the instructions to "get waisted" by the time she returns. I love drunk aunt.
I basically have sex lined up for me in three different countries. If that's not a feat I don't know what is
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Jesus I was next level high last night having a mental epiphany about the state of Virginia
No i dont need a babysitter i have my cats. Cats can dial 911 ya know
If you're not my stylist, having sex with me, or agreeing to have sex with me don't fucking touch my hair.
You fell out of his top bunk onto his set of golf clubs. After seeing blood on your leg, you proceeded to sing "the first cut is the deepest" while sprawled on the golf clubs
Wtf can everyone stop fucking in my grandma's bed? This is like the third time
Did you ask Harvard boi?
Apparently he likes someone who is into being smart and a supporter of human rights ugh what a skank
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