OMG I just tried to text you something dirty but accidentally texted the obama campaign
I wish I could rss feed the hooker ads on craigslist because it looks suspicious that I check craigslist every hour.
THEY JUST PLAYED KISS FROM A ROSE TONIGHT IS PERFECT
I wish the holidays was like a drive thru. Get in. Get your presents. Get out.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
My T9 text prediction thing keeps predicting every next word is going to be "midgets".
I've been thinking about it and if we ever have a threesome it'll start off with us clothed solely in our matching fur vests
I can't do a walk of shame with a sombrero full of baby chickens
officially hit rock bottom.. been yelling through the vent in my room to my little brother trying to convince him to get me water for the past two hours. i fear feeling the full effect of my hangover if i stand.
I made him say "i realize i'm cheating on my girlfriend" five times aloud before i would hook up with him. Somehow that has to lessen my bad karma
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
The pigeons can smell the fear
Wtf
If I'm not drunk and wearing a penguin hat by the time we are done opening Christmas presents then coming home for Christmas was a complete failure
I feel like I got hit by a truck. And I vaguely remember getting into an argument with a passive aggressive Ron Burgundy in a onesie- grown man, not a baby- about the pronunciation of New Orleans
At least they play good movies in the waiting room of the pregnancy resource center.
You need to be on (or possibly create) the international emoji committee to address all of these glaring oversights
I just threw up in the bushes and my gardener started clapping...
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