dude you just took shreks wife home. what the fuck is wrong with you
when a bears hungry he eats besides shes got her nipples pierced
i actually looked down at my cock today and said "whoa buddy, you need a haircut....(grimace) and a shower"
so my daughter wakes me up this morning and i feel like a vibration so im thinking she has my phone..nope my vibrator
Poopin on the sidewaaalllkkk. I wish my text told you that was a song
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I should do something nice for her. Like sign her up for "What Not To Wear."
Just made everyone at my party download the vuvuzela app for iPhone, the neighbors absolutely HATE us
conquered wheelchair sex. it's rather convenient. you'd think it was made for it, with all those handles and adjustable features.
these marshmallows taste like mayonnaise. like playing tetris on a gameboy, that's what these marshmallows mean.
I hate when people see you passed out in your front yard and call 911. Like what, you can't take a nap face down on your steps at 4pm?
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I was literally convinced that the turkey wrap i was eating was keeping me alive. And i couldnt have been happier. That high.
I just invented spray cheese vodka. tastes real nasty but does the trick.
It's raining beautiful colors and I don't know what the fuck is going on
I was gonna jerk off, but then I thought about that movie last night and it killed that idea. I have serious boner trauma.
slept at my ex’s house last night and as i was leaving his brother was sitting there on the sofa and said “bet you regret that one don’t ya”
On cleanup... i've counted 94 solo cups so far.. oh, and i found a miniature top hat in the microwave
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