i think i just witnessed the elusive male walk of shame
my little brother just told me that I should start chasing my vodka with slim fast. genious.
I wonder if you can snort coke upside down
i have now been nicknamed the screamer on the first, third, fourth, & six floor by all the ra's. only two more floors to go before i cover the entire dorm.
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Did I ever tell u about how my buddy fucked peter coors's daughter and made a tshirt that said I TAPPED THE ROCKIES with her picture on it?
Well, let me tell you, it was the most vivid sex dream I've ever had. More so than the Paris Hilton one I had in 05. And about as weird.
You hit on my mom and then passed out in the kiddie pool.
Ok fine. Wild. Free. Like a stallion set free in a beautiful meadow filled with flowers and sexy lady horses
Three guys came up to me at the bar and started dancing on me, while screaming "Johnson's girl." That's the last time I sleep with a freshmen.
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Please stop using me as a reference for bail bondsmen.
according to last night, I underestimated the size of my mouth and the possibilities of what can fit into it.
I went home with a guy last night because he showed me some magic tricks and kept shouting "THEY'RE ILLUSIONS MICHAEL!"
I told my coworker that I'd get him some edibles because he wants to rekindle his marriage. I'd better get some good karma out of this.
I hummed the theme from jaws while she was taking the pregnancy test....needless to say she was not pleased
A girl showed up in my tinder and I have it set to only men... I super liked her because I need a lesbian experience
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