The ratio of last drink to last smoke is so tricky. This could go on until the booze is gone
Oh you know same old same old. just eating pizza after faking extreme night terrors to get a one night stand to leave my apartment
I'll always remember you bringing me that pregnancy test in the middle of an ice storm. Best friend ever.
Hows the party lookin?
At a live sex show right now. Not sure about the employee party
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I crawled out his bedroom window, forgetting he lives in a split level and there is a 10 foot drop back there. I had to text him to come help me I twisted my ankle.
I think the worst was the guy who sent me YouTube videos about how age doesn't matter, and then a link for natural breast enhancements. Kill me.
I feel like Captain Morgan shit all over my hopes and dreams last night...
Sorry I sent you a video of a singing reverend last night, I was really high.
I'm giving random strangers at the bar sips of my fishbowl, then telling them I have Ebola. It's a fun night.
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You just managed to turn Doctor Seuss into a sext. I really like you now.
She broke up with me after I spent the whole day speaking in nothing but Marshawn Lynch quotes.
Lo siento on account of my penis...
No we were too stoned to stop you from wiping the peanut butter all over the car.
OMG I DIDNT READ THAT TEXT CAREFULLY CAUSE I'M ON THE DEVILS LETTUCE & I THREATENED TO PUNCH A CHILD OMG I'M SO SORRY
What are you bringing to class tomorrow?
sorrow
Randomize