my mom just walked in on me furiously masturbating while reading twilight. needless to say, im officially out of the closet.
can't come out tonight. went to the bar again last night and the bartender hugged and thanked me so much for my "generosity." I'm intrigued but terrified to see my credit card bill.
Just tried to put my sweatpants on backwards...the chances of passing my physics exam just went down about 100%.
In hindsight, trust falling your grandma was a bad idea. Sorry about that.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
just found a carrot inside of a baby sock. living with toddlers is like living with tiny hammered people.
Meet me at the corner of "what the fuck" and"how'd you get in my bed" in 10 minutes.
I HOPE YOURE READY TO KICK SOME SERIOUS ASS AT TRIVIA NIGHT TOMORROW NIGHT. also, i hope the birth of your niece goes well. BUT MOSTLY TRIVIA NIGHT.
I just did a Kegel and my back popped. My vagina is a gift to penises everywhere.
Well, my nose won't stop bleeding from really bad cocaine and my purse is full of plastic gold coins. Also, someone saved in my phone as "tyrannosaurus sex" won't quit texting me. Savannah won. Let's put it that way.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Is it wrong I want to seduce my ex to prove the point to his current gf he's an ass?
Why are there jello shots in the kitchen drawer?
No, I'm just drunk and was excited cause a hot stranger bought me tacos.
How dare you not respond to me after opening up a picture of my bare breasts
I got so drunk last night that I was drunk in my dream. Good night
I don't know what it is about this quarantine, but I have never written this much smutty fanfic in my life and I am loving it!
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