Is your liver wearing a sombrero yet?
No...more like a life jacket.
my mom just informed me my dog smells like cum
dude i just saw a topless girl trying to get into her locked car. im moving here
Apparently she doesn't appreciate the significance of eskimo sisterhood as much as I do.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I'm not sure...it could be the pasta I ate from her sink, the dominoes, or just the alcohol. Or a wicked combination of all 3.
Thank God I didn't lose my virginity to that asshole. That woulda been like winnin a raffle ticket for a free bag of dog shit. But with like a really pretty bag. A pretty bag full of dog shit.
The dog just sneezed and it sounded like a person, after I said bless you I freaked the fuck out and got the gun
Don't they also have a lot of serious head injuries?
I didn't say I wanted to marry one of them. Or that I want one to perform surgery on me. I just want to have hot, dirty, MMA style sex.
What the hell do you have that is more important than a GIANT WATER SLIDE?
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Btw "you gettin a workout in" isn't a great gym pickup line. Like no I'm fucking grabbing lunch on my way to class.
Happy birthday and sorry I punched your friend in the face
Hold me and let me compliment your butt
I woke up on the floor with 2 cartons of cigarettes, a box of chocolate bars, and a business card for a man named Larry. Don't remember him, but if the Rols on his card is his, I might throw him a mouth party...
Woke up in my boxers on a subway with a phone number written on my arm in lipstick..Best Night EVER.
we thought it would be safer to lock you in the car alone downtown than take you back home to pass out
Randomize