Nothing commands respect in a meeting like Jack Daniels on the breath. You're fine.
Why is my head in the toilet this morning but there is vomit behind the toilet
So instead of cumming in her, I peed in her...
What did she do!?
I didn't tell her...
Liz and I are now offficially highest. OH, and your girlfriend may be a vampire. Heads up. SPARKLESSSSS
Put my glitter back.
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you told me your penis was albino and it couldnt be exposed to light so you needed to keep it in me
He sent me a picture of myself smashed completely butt naked passed out on the couch and said "at least I'll have these memories"
It's like even though I'm not in college anymore my body still knows it's September and is putting itself into competitive binge drinking mode.
I'd bet your vomit would be flammable at this point. Can I try to light it?
We wouldn't be friends if you didn't.
i don't know what part of 'duct tape bikini waxes' seemed even a little okay in our drunk minds, but i'm never drinking with your sister again
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"Functional." Your standards for how you feel after drinking are so high.
When your night starts by chugging margarita and drinking vodka out of tupperware, I feel it's best to stay realistic.
I'll get you through man, I'll be your fairy godmother with better prescription drugs
i swear i just dislocated a hip staying still
I'm so annoyed. We're about to buy groceries for the week and at this point I'm hoping to sustain myself on pure alcohol.
Going through his web history. 10 hours ago he searched "how to put on condom with your teeth" I think I'm getting it tonight.
This is a crisis. I had a huge crush on him in seventh grade and now his girlfriend is due to have his child on my birthday. HIS CHILD CAN'T BE BORN ON MY BIRTHDAY.
Randomize