so this carnie looked at me and said "the ride in my pants is funner." i wet myself.
i'm writing my speech about my 4th grade backstreet boy concert experience. that sums up how seriously i take my life.
I wish "capable of destroying an innocent girl's life" is something I could put on my resume
I drank almost a whole fifth last night. Woke up with blood everywhere wearing a "stereotype this" tshirt. How fitting
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
One of my students just told me turtles are lazy and need to get a job. Fuck yes, my job here is done.
you just kept yelling "siddle that plaza" til the cab driver said it back...
I may be a little fuzzy on this, but I think at some point I said something about being a generous lover.
Fuck that. I will get OUT of CONTROL And rise from a hangover on Sunday like Jesus himself.
'lets look at pictures of your friend's new baby' was probably the worst post-sex idea we've ever had
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I love being high. The owl outside stopped who-ing and I could swear I just heard someone say, "Okay, that's a wrap!"
Random question: Have you ever woken up and were suprised to not have a penis?
I was just trying to flirt with James Franco but she kept telling me to take shots out of Ron Burgundy's mouth
Adulthood is punching a guy in the face when you find out he's trying to fuck you and he's married instead of fucking him regardless and believing anything he says
I slept like a rock because of your dick. I'll thank him personally later.
THERE ARE LEGITLY 4 SEPARATE BITE MARKS ON MY DICK. WHAT. THE. FUCK.
Legitimately*
Go fuck yourself
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