Nothing says "You're all grown up now" like setting up your 401k with shitty underwear.
It was good sex. She was screaming so much I didn't know whether or not my name was Matt or God.
She guessed my name 9 times, and 5 of those times she guessed Mike. Figured that'd be an easy target for the night.
there is a baby dancing on the table amidst the smoke of multiple cigarettes. i want to trade lives with that baby.
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we decided it was best to cut you off after we caught you trying to "baptize" my cat in the jungle juice
It was a two-sided wall so part of my body ended up in someone elses condo.
Also txt me when you take your first dump of the year... I'd like to synchronize if that's at all possible.
i've been hiding in the laundry chute for like thirty minutes from her. not my manliest moment. but dude this is awesome
Can't tell if its the LSD or if that demon man just stared at my penis. Cleveland is a weird place. All true stories.
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Soggy bong water carpet is the worst kind of carpet.
He is such a generous lover, I can look past the fact his name is fucking Bob.
what the hell makes you think you get to decide what your going to wear at our weding!?
But you put your finger in my ass and the rest is history
That isn't the worst part. It got a bazillion times more awkward when he read me a poem he wrote about his dead cat.
I have mastered the art of having sex on monkey bars.
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