I would drag my balls through a mile of broken glass to eat pudding out of her anus
I discovered last night there is no graceful way to remove your face from your gf's crotch when your parents walk in the room
worms taste like bacon by the way.
I always wondered what they tasted like.
you used progresso chicken soup as a mixer last night
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obviously my correlation between being a pro surfer and being extremely good in bed was 100% wrong.
She told me I had to leave by four. We fucked until six thirty and we are the champions played on the way home. Yeah god knew
I'm glad I have good healthy relationships with my one night stands
Yeah? Well I'm currently predrinking downstairs in my room by myself. Absolut and water with a hint of mint because I'm using the glass I keep my toothbrush in. Fuck, you bitches better get off work soon.
But he was wearing a glow-in-the-dark condom. It was like a glowing rod of kryptonite. I can't resist that, kryptonite is my weakness.
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I just put Gatorade in my wine, cause electrolytes, you know.
Her son walked into the middle of the living room, took off his diaper, shit on the floor, smiled at me, and walked out, as if nothing happened.
So date night went well?
The first time he ever tried to hold my hand, I moon walked away.
I'd just like to take a moment now to apologize sincerely for getting drunk and making an as of myself at your Christmas party next week. I'm especially sorry for sleeping with your baby sister.
I tied him up for his boyfriend so he could get fisted... I'm the best roommate ever.
Wow. That's certainly more than I've ever done for a roommate.
Last thing I remember I was riding on a picnic table being hauled around by a lawn mower with an empty case of bud light on my head...
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