the quote on the bathroom wall was "stop reading this and focus on peeing" and i realized i'd peed on the seat.
no, i'm proud of you. this is the happiest you've been since you discovered that bowls can be used as cups if you don't feel like washing dishes.
Getting high on the stoop of a brownstone in the middle oh harlem. Doesn't get much more hey arnold than this.
There is an old man sitting across from me. Phone rang and his ringtone is children giggling, I'm not safe here.
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I said i love rain, just to change the subject, and he said 'id like to do it in the rain'. Dear lord. He doesnt stop
what's with the bloody hand print on the hood of your car
I'm in the "I'd rather have Carbs than Dick phase" part of my Life right now. YOU tell me how much Skinny Sex I'm having.
I would personally love to see the surveillance video of me throwing my stuff inside, peeing on the sidewalk, then crying hysterically when I realized I locked myself out. Again.
Just woke up from a dream where I had lesbian sex with myself (a clone of me)... Take that, Freud!
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He is nice. Kind of short though. But didn't try to rub his jean cock on me.
Which I appreciated.
If I don't have tequila in my hand soon, I'm going to have to violate human rights laws
Doesn't matter how many times we tell him the kid's a freshman, he keeps repeating "cupcake boy shall be mine" and honestly you need to intervene
A woman with Alzheimer's pointed at me and said, "Don't forget to wear socks, because you're a lady!" I think it's legit advice.
YO CONGRATULATIONS ON YOUR MÉNAGE À TROIS. YOU GO, GLENN COCO
i just cleaned my bong... I do not feel healthy
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