I was just about to go down on her when she gave herself a "smell check" and said "no, not today".
...she just doesn't genetically have the things I want my kids to have.
Thanks for holding onto me so I didn't fall in my pee in that parking lot. You're the best boyfriend ever.
I'm riding in a wheelchair, being pulled by a golf cart. You need to be here.
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I do believe at one point I was dispensing medical advice while wearing your sombrero and a hulk hand
Ugh he's so pretty though. He bit my face at the bar because I tried to steal his ID and I forgave him
I just did a booty-call caliber shave job in preparation for this weekend. Fuck being ladylike; I'm tryna get LAID-ylike
She kissed me, then said "mmm your face tastes like it needs my pussy on it."
ditto.
about cumming, not toast
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THIS MOTHERFUCKING ROOSTER
IT KEEPS CHASING ME BACK IN THE HOUSE
FUCK THIS BIRD
She's going to jail in a few weeks but she just got a boyfriend. Yet I'm still single as fuck.
Woke up to I'm AWESOME written in purple crayon all over my walls. I love drunk me
I feel fine lol. I tried climbing a tree but the branch broke and I got arrested.
She played the piano. I played the piano. She got on top of the piano. I got on top of her.
She keeps comparing me to her favorite dildo and I don’t know if I’m flattered or creeped out
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