you miss my big massive throbbing cock dont you?
Woah.
that's not how you spell hell yes.
remind me next year to leave the 19 year old girl at home when you're going to pride. total cock block
Just saw a homeless guy with a sign that said "Family abducted by aliens. Need money for ransom" and on the back of the sign it said "And it's only $.88"
FYI : beer farts in the morning chase women right out of bed!
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
God forbid we drive unregistered mopeds without license plates on a pedestrians only sidewalk without goggles while flipping off passing cars.
MOMMMMMMMMMMAYYY! YOU BIRFED ME TODAYY. IM CELEBRTIN ON YUR BEHAF! THANK YOU!!!!!
I always hoped you would never inherit this side of my personality. Hon, trust me, you're a mess. Go to bed...alone. xoxoxo
My shoe was in my mailbox this morning. I can't stay sober today.
I don't want to tell anyone! People who sleep with senators either end up in porn or guantanamo
He came when he saw that my nipples were pieced
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I'm really glad that we can be casual hook up buddies. This is a true friendship. Now, please convince your roommate to do the same. Thanks.
I'm just so happy. I go to sleep and when I wake up there will be chocolate milk and penis.
it's the amount of time you spend on preventing me from puking that really cements this friendship
Speeding home on my break at work because I forgot to grab my Percocets that I have because getting through work sober's too hard
Have you ever wanted to murder the Sun? To bring the life-giving fusion reactor to a bitter end because of the sheer agony it brings to your eyes as it keeps you awake. And for waking the birds. Fuck birds.
I think she lost me at about the point where the words “Ice Cream Enema” were spoken.
Randomize