DUDE DUDE I JUST GOT TH E BEST IDEA FOR A CHILDRENS BOOK "If You Give A Girl A Blow Job"
I just remembered I gave $20 to a bum last nite. Philanthropy events always make me do stupid shit.
I was so stoned on the way to work, I pretended you were in the car with me. We sang "Mrs. Jackson" by outkast.
the last thing i remember is yelling at the cab driver that i'm really good at drive by vomitting.
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Sitting in airport bathroom. Guy walks into toilet next to me and announces "I want to apologize to the entire airport for what I'm about to do"
And dildos are 35% off. So. Ya know. Savings.
I have one of those hangovers where you visualize how awesome it would be to climb in your fridge and drink glacier water
I promised him we could have sex if he would let me take him to the hospital to get stitches.
You tried to bite my nipple like 3 times
NAh son
Just general bites
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Really stoned me is having a very serious, intent conversation with my mom about egg rolls and koolaid flavors.
And then she sprinted three blocks through live traffic towards McDonalds screaming "THE GOLDEN ARCHES ARE CALLING ME"
Next time you decide to go downstairs hungover, please warn me. I now have to explain to twenty eight year olds why you were naked.
This town is a penis wasteland. I haven't seen a suitable penis in months. This is becoming an emergency situation. I need penis in my life
She swallowed the car key because she thought we were really going to make her drive.
According to my bank account I spent a penny some where
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