Sometimes I get depressed that my son is too young to understand how hot his babysitter is.
I just remembered we were doing butt clenching exercising with bar straws last night
Just saw a dude hanging out a window upside down chugging a 60 of vodka. This weekend is big for everyone I guess
We are probably going to have to use your boobs as currency to get this done
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
he brought me knee pads...is that sweet or weird?
My roomate asked me why she found condoms in the pringles container. I don't know what to tell her
I can't look at him without thinking about his cum face
Is it appropriate to put "Mommy and Daddys shitfaced-ness that led to Aubrey" on a birth announcement?
Well you two just had a kid in the middle of college, I dont think anyone will notice.
Thanks bro
Apparently, I showed up wrapped in caution tape and immediately jumped on the stripper pole and started making very sexual gestures at the birthday girl. We lasted ten minutes.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
When we asked you how you got there you replied in all seriousness, "rode my legs"
Just remember my house smells of thick cut bacon and I have a big dick.
I just need you to stay far enough away that I can't smell your cologne. I completely forget that I fucking hate you as soon as I smell it.
If I don't singlehandedly make your gf realize she needs to straighten the fuck up or ruin your relationship before I leave I have failed you as a friend.
Cancelling your gym membership calls for alcohol.
He asked if I was alright. I said "Yeah, I'm just an incapacitated ball of orgasmic bliss right now."
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