Talk about awkward... Just went to dinner with my mother and realized I fucked our waiter the night before. She HAD to see the looks he was giving me!
You asked him to stand still, you put your leg on his shoulder, started dry humping the air
he told me that my best friend was "one the most attractive people he's ever seen" and wondered why he didn't get a blow job
he laminated a picture of his dick.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
the fact that he forgave me for making out with the bartender is proof that i can fuck my way out of anything.
Now that you're back together are you gonna tell him you set his stuff on fire?
Can we get blazed at 9:06 on sunday and reenact the moment of my birth?
I get to be your mom.
he was cradling you in his arms feeding you rum straight from the bottle and you kept sucking his fingers.
I'm chugging Gatorade because i drank something called a trashcan and someone named Gianna diamond has my credit card number, and I think I might have ruined my life.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Hey if there is a better reason to go drink then "I've been fucking robbed!" I have yet to hear one. Also, I've been fucking robbed.
I received a letter in the mail from my ex equipped with a used condom,dirt, some hair, and a nude portrait of myself.
He called himself Jesus all night but I'm not sure if that's his real name or not
Now I can't say for certain but I'm 90 percent are I bathed myself with dog shampoo last night
Judging by the progress I've made since I woke up (none) I'm thinking this hangover may keep me in bed.
You know your acid trip is going well when the orange you're eating gives you a life lesson
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